What I am is gay
by DarkRose1902
Summary: Burt had 13 years to get used to the idea of a gay son and plan what he was going to say when Kurt came out, and in the end it was simple; too bad the first 3 years were not so easy. read warnings.
1. Chapter 1

**Title:** _What I am is gay_  
**Author:** DarkRose1902  
**Fandoms:** Glee  
**Genre: **Angst, Family  
**Rating:** T  
**Warning: **nothing really worse than the show but: mentions rape and suicide and contains homophobic language and canon death  
**Spoilers: **including season two  
**Summery:** Burt had 13 years to get used to the idea of a gay son and plan what he was going to say when Kurt came out, and in the end it was simple; too bad the first 3 years were not so easy.  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own the characters you recognise but do own the ones you don't. This is my way of loving them.

Story

Burt Hummel shared a look with his wife, expecting to find the same look of horror and fear but while she did look apprehensive she seemed stunningly accepting!

"Daddy I want a sensible pair of heels," their soon-to-be-three son repeated. Burt barely heard him over the blood pulsing in his ears,

"Hell no … Beth … NO!" without realising it the muscular man had moved into an aggressive stance: tense, threatening and pointing his finger down at Kurt.

"Burt!" Beth was shocked he had never looked so angry,

"Mummy?" Kurt whimpered and started crying,

"Everything is fine sweetie go play in your room," Beth bent down to hug her son, brush his tears away and gently pushed him in the direction of the door.

"God Beth why is he crying huh? Maybe if you didn't coddle him all the time . . ."

"Burt Hummel you stop right now you're scaring him!"

"I'm … I'm scaring him . . . " Kurt sat on the floor, by the door, listening to his parents shout. It was so far from normal and Kurt had no idea why they were so angry.

After a while Burt stormed out the room and upon seeing his young son still crying snarled,

"I'm taking you to a game tomorrow and STOP crying!" Beth stood in the doorway and watched as he slammed the front door. She sighed and gathered Kurt up into her arms.

It was mid May and Burt was out in just a shirt but his anger kept him warm. As he walked around the sprawling housing his thoughts drifted from memories of his high school years to the heated words he had just exchanged with his wife.

"You're supposed to love your son unconditionally!" Beth had shouted.

"Man up faggot … only queers are scared of the dark … it's just a broken finger faggot …" he and the other jocks had taunted each other.

"We're not in high school anymore!" he knew Beth had subtly been telling him to grow up.

"Oh man the fags crying again … you throw like a girl Jackson …"

No, not his son Kurt was going to learn how to be normal, someone that didn't have insults or worse thrown at him everyday.

So for the next year Burt dragged Kurt to football matches and camping holidays until it had taken a toll on their relationship. The boy avoided his father as much as possible and grew much closer to his mother. Burt and Beth argued constantly so Burt spent long hours at his garage and Kurt went days without seeing him. He still kept an eye on his family though and when Beth bought Kurt the fashion Barbie he asked for, he bought Kurt an action figure. If Beth bought him a toy tea set Burt got him toy cars and so on. Burt found himself blaming her for their sons' increasingly girlish behaviour, which led to more arguments.

"You need to stop buying him girl toys!"

"You need to love your son for who he is!" Round and round they'd argue until Burt would shout something unkind about his son. He always apologised straight away and Beth knew he didn't mean his words, she knew he was only scared for Kurt, scared about how people in a small town like theirs could crush him.

But she needed to start thinking about what was best for Kurt. She told her husband that just three weeks after Kurt's fourth birthday,

"I love him and you. I'm trying to help him," Burt muttered desperately fighting tears (the irony of telling his son not to cry was not lost on him) as he pleaded with Beth to agree with him.

"I know, Burt I know. I remember what happened to Lucy Smith too but things are changing, it's more acceptable now than when we were growing up. Most people accept being gay isn't a choice."

Burts' breath caught in his throat: Lucy had been in their year at school. Quiet and book'ish she had mostly been left alone until someone had seen her kissing another girl. Three weeks later she had been attacked – raped to save her from a life of sin the boys had said as their defence. It seemed to work because they barely spent a year in jail. Lucy had killed herself the day they were released.

"Not here. It'll never be acceptable here." Burt said firmly.

"You don't know that," Beth protested but not with the same conviction.

"I want him to be safe and happy – do you really think that's possible if he's g…gay?" it was the first time Burt had ever said that word without the sting of an insult,

"I have to believe it,"

"Beth come on . . ."

"What is the alternative Burt? He pretends to be someone he isn't? I didn't think anyone pushed a Hummel around?"

"No one does. Look I love him and I want him to be happy but be realistic school is already tough on him he's so little,"

"He can take care of himself just yesterday he told Mr Collins to stop wearing that hideous lime green shirt," Beth smiled at the memory but Burt groaned,

"Christ that just makes it worse – he's so fearless and trusting he'll probably walk straight up to the biggest school bully and try and kiss him or something," Burt shuddered at the thought,

"You're exaggerating,"

"What if I'm not Beth? How can I keep him safe when everyone is going to be after him?"

"It's not so bad here – there is a gay couple who have a daughter in Kurt's year."

"How does that even …" Burt started to question with his nose turned up but stopped at Beth's expression,

"How do you know that?" Burt asked wearily,

"Oh well the head teacher told me when I met him."

"And why would he mention it to you?" Beth winched at Burt's terse tone,

"Kurt told him bow ties were making a come back," Burt covered his face with his hands,

"Does everyone know about it?"

"No don't be silly,"

"He doesn't hide it,"  
"He doesn't know he's supposed too!" Beth huffed,

"Then maybe you should tell him!" Burt said raising his voice,

"He needs to be himself Burt,"

"Why doesn't you just paint a bulls-eye on his back!" Burt shouted,

"Mummy?" a tired little boy stood by the door too scared to come in,

"Go back to bed sweetie I'll come tuck you in, in a minute," he hovered for a moment before leaving,

"Burt if you can't … if you won't accept our son for who he is I'll need to go," she said quietly,

"Go? What do you mean go?"

"Kurt needs a stable home environment and he's not getting that right now. If you can't work through your issues I'm going to move. Take him somewhere he doesn't get woken up almost every night by us fighting."

"Beth you don't mean that? Please I'm thinking about what's best for him I swear,"

"I know you believe that. If I thought you were ashamed of our son, if you thought him being gay was a negative reflection on you I would have left already." Beth was at the door when Burt panicked,

"And where would you take him? To your dad? The man is about the biggest homophobe in Ohio?"

"I'll move across the country, somewhere like LA or New York where everyone is more relaxed about everything." She left the room and Burt felt icy shivers of fear – he knew she would. Kurt got his stubborn, courageous and fiery temperament from her. To counter his fear Burt considered letting her; he was barely thirty and it was the new millennium soon. He could start again; forget he ever had a demanding wife and difficult son.

A high pitch giggle interrupted his thoughts and he felt more shame than he ever thought was possible. He strode to his sons' bedroom and watched his wife read Kurt a bedtime story. They both radiated happiness and the thought of losing this or giving this up sent icy shivers of fear through him.

"Snow White couldn't be the prettiest one of all mummy," Kurt said wriggling his nose up and frowning,

"Oh and why is that?"

"Cause you are," he said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"I have to agree with him there," Burt said moving into the room. Kurt's eyes widened and Burt wanted to know why: in fear, surprise? Either way it didn't matter Burt promised himself he was going to change that.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

It had been an easy promise to make but a difficult one to keep. Nearly a year later Beth had told him she was still thinking seriously of leaving. Burt had stopped dragging a four-year Kurt to football games and given up on going camping but he still bought his son toys he didn't want to play with, still made him wear clothes he didn't want to wear and always told him to stop talking when he started on a topic Burt considered girly. Beth tried to make him see he was hurting Kurt, he was showing their son he wasn't good enough as he was. Burt denied it; he argued he was merely trying to tone down Kurt's more outlandish behaviour – the same way a parent is supposed to instil good behaviour and manners in their child. Beth had laughed bitterly and told him that was her point!

"You're telling him his behaviour is wrong!"

"I know it's not."

"Kurt doesn't understand that,"

"I'm helping him,"

"Burt … he needs your acceptance . . ." This time their argument had been interrupted by Beth fainting and being diagnosed with cancer.

In the next few months all of Burt's fears about Kurt seemed distant and unimportant. And as the doctors battled to save Beth's life it seemed such a minor issue and when they had done all they could Beth lay in a hospital bed and got ready to say goodbye to her family for the last time. While Kurt waited outside with a nurse Beth pleaded with her husband to keep another promise,

"Let him be himself Burt, I know it'll be a struggle and I know it'll hurt but he's strong enough … he's a Hummel,"

"To survive this … without you he'll need to be tough, tougher than me,"

"You can do it and so can he … and you'll both be so much stronger for it. If he pretends to be someone he's not it'll crush him,"

"I promise … I promise I'll try but how can I do this without you?" tears ran down two sets of cheeks as they felt the permanence of their goodbye,

"You'll do just fine,"

"So much faith in me," Burt whispered grasping Beth's thin hand in both of his and holding it to his lips,

"… Hummel remember?" she smiled tiredly; Burt could see the strain and pain of holding onto life. There was a knock on the door,

"Are you sure he can handle seeing you like this?" Burt asked worriedly,

"He's strong enough," Beth said steadily,

"Come in," Burt called to the closed door trusting her,

"Mummy?"

"Come sit on the bed sweetie," the little six-year moved slowly, carefully. He had been told about death and angels and heaven and he knew this was the last time he would see his mum. But he didn't understand it. Never seeing his mum again was just inconceivable to him.

"Are you ok mummy?"

"I'm tired, Kurt, so very tired,"

"Nurse Hill said you were going away and I wouldn't see you anymore," it wasn't quite a question but it wasn't a statement either,

"That's right,"

"Will I still see you in my dreams?" Beth laughed agitatedly,

"Yes, I hope I'm in your dreams for a long time to come,"

"You will mummy, I believe in us," that was something she always said to him,

"I do too and I believe in you and your dad, Kurt." Kurt looked at his dad as if only just noticing him for the first time,

"You're crying daddy," Kurt sounded very indignant,

"I am,"

"But . . ." Kurt was interrupting by Beth moaning softly in pain,

"Not long now," the nurse said gently from the doorway,

"Kurt I want you to promise to look after your dad ok," Beth spoke urgently,

"Like you do mummy?"

"Exactly,"

"Cook him dinner and tell him to put his seatbelt on and cover him with a blanket when he sleeps on the sofa?"

"I'll be doing the cooking I think," Burt interjected worriedly and Kurt and Beth sent him identical looks of scorn and disbelief,

Burts' heart fluttered wildly and he groaned, Kurts' expression changed to worry,

"Daddy are you ok?"

"Kurt … kiss your mum good bye and wait outside with the nurse," Kurt eyed him for a beat before turning back to his frail mother,

"Nurse Hill said God was going to look after you now," Kurt said,

"Yes," neither Beth nor Burt were decisively religious but they needed faith, now more than ever.

"We talk to God at school so I'm going to tell him to look after you properly,"

"Thank you sweetie,"

"Nurse Hill said you'll feel better when you've gone," that was also something Kurt couldn't understand,

"Yes," Beth said quietly desperately wishing it wasn't so,

"And you can't feel better here?" Kurt asked checking one final time,

"No sweetie," Beth's voice caught and Burt squeezed her hand trying to give her some of his failing strength.

"I don't want you to go … but I don't want you to hurt either … so it's ok for you to go," Kurt leant over his mum to give her a long and careful hug.

"I love you mummy and I'll miss you so much," A quick kiss and another long hug before jumping down and running out the room with the nurse quick to follow him.

Burt exchanged a last soft smile with Beth and held her until long after she had gone.

Fin

AN:

Glee writers seem set to portray Kurt as flamboyantly as possible so hopefully this is IN character (I have lots of gay friends and they don't act like that so I guessed a lot of what I wrote.)

In season two Kurt confesses he is an atheist but I don't think he would have been at six (given the intensely religious nature of American culture).

I couldn't find the name of Mrs Hummel but Wiki Glee said Kurt's middle name was Elizabeth so I thought Beth sounded a reasonable guess.

I would also like to apologise for the weepy end … it didn't finish like that when I planned the story.


End file.
